Journal: i sometimes can’t feel

I don’t really cry anymore, at least, not often. I feel like I may be a little emotionally numb, like I don’t get angry or upset at things I know should both anger and upset me.
Bad things which i disagree with in my core.
I know people who are captivated by things, like paintings. I know a man who, whenever he visits Edinburgh, will go to a gallery there and simply sit in front of a specific painting he loves. He sits there for ages. The painting has a profound effect on him. He’s never told me what exactly the effect is, but I think it’s that odd feeling that lingers between happiness and sadness. You know the one, it’s a rare feeling but it does exist. It happens at those points of which we don’t quite understand. A friend leaving the country to pursue their dream. A mother ending her life on her own terms. I’m sure there is a word for it but I don’t know it yet. When this man looks at his painting, it is really beautiful.

I can’t remember the last time I cried, but it was a while ago. Is it a selfish thing to want to feel sadness more often? I am not saying that I am always happy, but sometimes, I just feel empty. It scares me that I am emotionally withdrawn from sadness. It makes it hard for me to empathise with others.

I think one thing I need to do with emotions is that when they arise, I should lash them to my chest like a maroon would to their lifesaving, ramshackle raft in a storm. I need to truly feel emotion. Feel their rhythms, motions, wavelengths, their heat and their cold.

I think repressing emotions eventually numbs you to their presence. It’s good to really feel once in a while.

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6 thoughts on “Journal: i sometimes can’t feel

    1. Is that not just another word for sadness? The word I’m thinking of is a little closer to the meaning of ‘awesome’ or ‘sublime’ – that place that is beyond any single emotion, but sits between happiness and sadness. It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff and being afraid to fall but kind of curious about what jumping would feel like.

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      1. An awareness of your own transience in relation to the infinity of the universe perhaps? I’m thinking of the concept of melancholy as described by John Keats, which is kind of similar.

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      2. Something like that, but a little more finite. Like emotional bittersweetness. Simultaneous feelings of the good and the bad, which produce an effect greater than the some of their parts.

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